


as i fall, i think of you

by Bayliwick



Series: a soul is too high a price [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, BAMF Natasha Romanov, Best Friends, Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov Friendship, Heavy Angst, POV Natasha Romanov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-10 04:46:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20522165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bayliwick/pseuds/Bayliwick
Summary: Natasha reflects on her life as she falls on Vormir.





	as i fall, i think of you

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel

_“In my culture, death is not the end. It is more of a stepping-off point. You reach out with both hands and, Bast and Sekhmet, they lead you into the green veldt, where you can run forever.”_

_“That sounds very peaceful.”_

\- T’Challa and Natasha

* * *

She curses as he grabs her wrist, for every second he holds onto her makes the pit of fear in her stomach larger. It hurts too much already, having to be the one to break his heart, but to have to look into his eyes before he sees her die… that just might break her.

“Damn you.” He mutters as he surveys their situation. She’s been his partner long enough to know that he’s trying to figure out to get her out of this alive.

(_Years ago, bullets rained down on them and he threw his body over hers; it was the first time someone ever cared enough to save her life._)

“Let me go.” She whispers softly, hoping that he’s strong enough to do what needs to be done. (_Whatever it takes._) 

“No!” He’s desperate, she can see. “Please, no.” He sobs out, tears beginning fall. She knows he will blame himself, but it’s what must be done.

(_Laura’s kind eyes, Cooper’s warm smile, Lila’s bright aura, and Nathaniel’s belly laugh._)

“It’s okay.” She has a plan, he knows.

(“_She always has a plan, it’s Nat after all!”_)

She selfishly allows herself one more moment with him, thinking back on the day he saved her soul. Eons ago, when the only way out was death, and she had been welcoming to it. But instead, he gave her his hand, not the arrow.

The moment is fleeting, but she wills it to be her last as she kicks, _with every last bit of strength_, against the cliff. (_T’Challa’s words ring in her mind. This is her stepping off point._) The fear rises in her throat as his cry reaches her ears, but she swallows it back, willing herself to not let it show.

She counts the seconds as they pass.

_Один._

A few happy memories spark in her mind. The red-headed woman and the man with sparkling green eyes as they wish her good-night and magic the monsters of the dark away. Years ago, at the chain-link fence and two gravestones, her mother’s name was legible, but her father’s was scratched away. Lost in time.

_Два. _

Until now… _Ivan_. She likes knowing his name, a piece of her past returned. She wonders what her parents would think of her and what she has done. She hopes that they would be proud of her.

(_Мы любим тебя, Наталья._)

_Три. _

She wonders if they’re waiting for her on the other side. She hopes so.

_Четыре. _

Clint is smaller now, but his wail still rings in her ears. She keeps her eyes upward, drinking in the twilight sky and golden halo that is this strange planet’s sun.

(_“There are worse ways to go. Where else am I going to get a view like this?”_)

_Пять._

Willing her thoughts to happy times, Nat reflects on the work she has done and the family she has managed to gather. First Clint, Fury, and Coulson, next Tony and Pepper, then Steve, Thor, and Bruce. Later Maria would join, along with Wanda, Vision, Sam, and Rhodey. Rocket, Nebula, Okoye, and Carol could be included as well.

(_One day, a slightly younger Natasha looked up from her book to see the ragtag group surrounding her, each preoccupied with their own things. She stayed silent but smiled, a genuine and rare sighting, at the ones around her before going back to her page._)

_Шесть. _

Pranks in the tower, freefalling with Steve out of the quinjet, performing the perfect pirouette for the first time, debates with Bruce and Thor, vacations at the Barton house, sleepovers with Wanda, teaching Vision how to flirt… the fear tries to rise again, she knows the ground is near.

(_“Do you ever think I’d end up in hell? Because of all the red on my ledger?” She once asked, allowing the constant voice of her demons finally be spoken aloud._)

_Семь. _

But she swallows it back because this moment isn’t about _her. _It’s about _them. _And how _they will win_.

She doesn’t regret jumping, she would do it again in a heartbeat because it was for _them_. Clint, Steve, Bruce, Tony, Thor, Wanda, Sam… (_the list is longer than she ever thought it would be_) and the billions the stone will help save.

The dripping, oozing, bleeding red used to be her reason for everything until she met them. And then they became her reason, her motivation, her life.

(_They allowed her to paint it all white. A blank canvas, a new start._)

_Восемь._

For the first time in years, she feels at peace. Maybe it is the serene sky above her or the knowledge that her sacrifice will mean something wonderful.

(_All of those billions will be given a chance once again._)

An eternal smile graces her face as she lands, feeling none of the pain and all of light.

**Author's Note:**

> Мы любим тебя, Наталья - We love you, Natalia
> 
> Один, два, три, четыре, пять, шесть, семь, восемь - One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight


End file.
